march 2023

Hello friend!

This is my first official entry for my blog in 2023… I hope that you have had a wonderful first two months of this year! If you haven’t, don’t worry. Me too. Before we begin with today’s message, I would like to say a huge thank you for supporting and reading my blog. It is my wish that this blog can be a safe space for you and that the weekly content will be a source of encouragement, comfort and growth for you. With that, let’s dive in!

“I wanna know, know, know, know what is love?” Is a very profound and complex question that the k-pop group, Twice (love them btw) asked. And many times over, I seem to ask the same thing. What does it mean to love and be loved? How do I know that it’s love? Over the next few weeks, i’ll take you on a journey of discovery and discourse with me on the different characteristics and attributes of love.

Today’s topic revolves around the concept of patience and kindness.

When we think about it, it seems almost self-explanatory that you would naturally be both patient and kind to the people that you love. However, after reflecting more deeply on this, i’ve come to the realisation that humans tend to be more critical toward the people that we love most for a myriad of reasons. Perhaps it is our fear of rejection and getting hurt, or the fact that we unconsciously place expectations on our loved ones. i’ll give and example. I listened in on a conversation between parents about deciding whether to tutor their own child or to send their child for external tuition. The more experienced parent shared their own experience with the same issue and suggested to outsource for tuition as they learned that it is difficult to tutor their own child due to the expectations that they unconsciously place on the child to be able to grasp concepts. Similarly, the child also places expectations on the parent to be understanding and patient. However, with a tuition teacher that does not have the same kind of connection with the child, patience and kindness may come more easily. Because of our own expectations and past experiences, we may intentionally or unintentionally hurt the people that we love. Remember that despite varying severity of situations, every single one of us are fighting our own silent battles. Everyone, regardless of age or status is navigating through this maze that we call life.

In the same way, alot of us tend to be extremely impatient and unkind toward ourselves. It is one thing to hold yourself to a high standard, but it is another thing to impose perfection on yourself. This is something that i’ve personally struggled with for the longest time. The feeling of dread after realising that you’ve messed up in a workplace or relationship that snuffs out any kind of joy is all too familiar. The moment where you go “shit… I messed this up again. why do i keep on messing everything up?” is all too familiar. And many times, it spirals down, down, down to the point of self-loathing. As human beings, we aren’t perfect and that is a hard truth that we have to accept. We makes mistakes and mess up. And you know what? It’s okay. Your identity is not defined by your sucesses or failures but by the quality of your character. If you make a mistake, the most important thing to do is to forgive yourself, seek forgiveness and move on. That reaps growth. Allow yourself to take a break, cry, sleep or do whatever you need to do and then pick yourself up. Don’t be too hard on yourself okay?

Let us all love others and ourselves with a little more patience and kindness this week!

see you next week?

all my love, clydi <3

p.s feel free to leave a comment in the google form below! 

Happy Wednesday my dear friends! Welcome to episode 2 of the “what is love?” series.

Initially, I had planned to write on a whole other topic but I decided to leave that for another time because I was so moved to write about today’s topic. This idea came to me, ironically and usually so, in the middle of a training session. Somehow, it is when I am absolutely physically, mentally and emotionally drained that such inspiration stirkes. Maybe it is the stillness and silence in exhaustion that makes way for fresh perspective.

why, why, why

why am I here? why am I doing this? why do i even try?

I’m not sure about you, but i often find myself asking questions that begin with ‘why’. These questions all have roots in the very basic and fundamental considerations about existence that seem to transcend space and time. Regardless of how old you are, where you come from, what you do at some point you’ve wondered, ‘why?”.

And then it hit me, that any answer to the ‘why’ is love.

Now, now, i’m certain that most, if not all of you are rolling your eyes at the cliché statement. It is at this point that I appeal to you that perhaps it is the truth of the statement that makes it a cliché. I’m not here to offer this as a brand-new perspective, but to reiterate the validity of this stance that is overlooked due to its commonality.

Take a moment to think about all that you are doing in life right now… career, school, hobby, sport, music, raising a famliy, marraige etc.

i’ll wait

…

When i think about my ‘whys’, I think about swimming. A sport that has taken up such a large proportion of my life for so long. The sport that has been used to let me experience the view at the mountain top, the beauty in the valley and everything in between. My ‘why’ is love. Love for the Lord that has given me the opportunities and favour to grow in ways i never thought was possible, love for my family and my coaches that believed in me when I couldn’t believe in anything, love for the friends that pick me up and never fail to put a smile on my face. My ‘why’ is knowing I could never fully give back all that has been given to me , but still attempting to pour the love that i have received back into the lives of the people around me.

My question is: What has kept you where ever you are? What do you love?

Consider these questions while putting what is conventionally ‘right or wrong’ for love aside.

Some may argue that aversion to love is a result of the fear of loss. The idea of loss and grief is truly frightening i’ll admit, but i’ve discovered that deep grief is evidence of deep love. If you think about it, an aversion to love is also an act of love… for yourself. While loving freely may result in loss, an aversion to love results in emptiness. I’m not here to tell you what is right or wrong to love. All i’m trying to say is that everything we do is rooted in love, whether we like it or not. So when we are put at a cross junction, choose what you love most.

see you next week?

all my love, clydi <3

p.s feel free to leave a comment in the google form below! 

Yet another Happy Wednesday my dear friends! Welcome to episode 3 of the "what is love" series.

Failures and shortcomings are not foreign to any of us.

As we get older, we are often handed a mirror of truth where we find our imperfections and weaknesses staring right back at us. Many drop that mirror in disgust, denying the truth that the mirror reveals. Few are able to stare at their reflection to observe the wrinkles, dimples and blemishes that make up their shortcomings.

I used turn a blind eye to that mirror and even more so to failure, the scarred, yet kind hand that presented that mirror to me. Turning my head from the truth caused me to constantly be gripped by anxiety, anger and disappointment. However, as I began to allow myself to look at the monster that loomed in the reflection of that mirror, I realised that the person that stared back was no monster.

It was just me.

Truly me.

At first, I was repulsed by the face that stared back and you know what? Sometimes I still am. But my support system constantly challenge and encourage me to not only observe that reflection, but to find the beauty in it. To accept that it is who I am right now but not who I'll be forever.

It is because someone loved me despite seeing all my flaws, that I was able to accept myself and grow.

You see, that's the beauty in being human. Yes, we are flawed. We mess up, we say things we don't mean, we get scared. But we have been given the power of choice. Many choose to give up, to walk away, to hold on to their pride and live with hate and strife in their heart. Others choose to put their pride aside to make things right, to get up, to get better and live with love, peace and joy in their lives.

Will you look in that mirror and learn to accept and maybe even love the face that stares back, or run away from your own reflection that will appear at every corner and crevice of your life?

see you next week?

all my love, clydi <3

Whether you’ve had a great or terrible day today, i just want to wish you a happyyyyyy midweek. I’m so proud of you for making it to the middle of the week. The next half is going to fly by… I guarantee you. And if it doesn’t, at least it’ll be over. Welcome to episode 4, the second-last edition of the “what is love” series!

To many of us, love is nothing like the warm, fluffy, comforting cloud that we see in dramas, books and movies. The reality is that in this world, many experiences with love end in gut-wrenching heartbreak that leaves you in a world drained of colour. The kind of heartbreak that makes you feel like a piece of you was forcefully ripped out.

Queen Elizabeth II once said, “grief is the price you pay for love”

In order have the opportunity to feel deep grief, you’d have to had loved just as deeply. Whether it’s losing a friend, significant other, or family member the depth of grief you feel is directly proportional to the depth of the love you’ve given and hopefully received.

I’m not sure about you, but personally, I’ve struggled with the fear that comes with letting myself fall into love, particularly when it comes to friendships. I am someone that tries to love the way that I wish to be loved. Which doesn’t always work out very well for me because losing the people I love hurts… alot. There are people that you wish you could keep around forever. The people that you wish to celebrate your 21st birthday with, the people that you wish to invite to your wedding, the people you wish to dance in the rain with and share every single life experience with. There is such pure, unfiltered and exhilarating joy in going through life with such people. It feels like a cup of hot chocolate on a cold rainy day.

But losing them. Losing them is a whole different kind of pain. 2 kinds of pain that i’ve experienced in my 18 years of life so far.

There’s the pain of losing someone suddenly. Out of the blue. Like getting run over and feeling senseless and numb until you reach the hospital and slowly, one by one, more and more body parts begin to hurt from the loss. The next thing you know, it hits you and it just hurts everywhere. It hurts in places that you didn’t even know could hurt. You're gasping for air, suddenly aware of exactly how injured you are. 

And then there’s also the pain of losing someone slowly. When the energy changes and things just don’t feel the same anymore. Conversations are no longer as easy, moments of laughter become fewer and far between. Slowly, the people that were once your pillar of support, the people that once felt like a warm wooden cabin in middle of winter to you, turn into winter itself. Everything is fine though. No heated exchanges, no ‘big fight’, it’s just different. And no matter how much you try to reason or try to change and salvage it, you eventually give up after realising that it’s never going to be the same and you’ll never know why it had to be this way.

Whoever, you are that is reading this, I hope that you never have to go through such heartbreak. But if you are, I want you to know that it gets better. If you have overcome it, i’m so incredibly proud of you and i’m so sorry you had to go through that. Lastly, if you’ve never experienced anything like that before, that’s also okay! Everyone processes grief and loss differently.

It’s really really hard to learn to love and trust again.

Memories that were once joyful core memories become tainted with hurt and resentment at first, but eventually become laced with a fond, melancholic kind of sadness.

Just as you run the risk of getting into a crash every time you board a plane, just ask you run the risk of drowning every time you swim in the sea and just as I risk explosive diarrhoea every time i eat ice cream, we run the risk of losing something or being in pain every time we choose to love. The risk of flying, drowning or eating ice cream (for me) doesn’t stop us from doing what we love. Sure, we can be more careful, but you would never have the chance to feel that pure, unfiltered, laugh until your stomach hurts and cry together kind of joy any relationship without risking being hurt in the ways that many of us are familiar with.

In order to experience that joy, i’ve decided for myself that I want to learn to once again, how to love deeply, truly, fully and unconditionally despite the consequences. I want to experience all of the joy that love has to give. It’s better than feeling nothing at all.

Of course, everyone is different and some decide that they prefer to protect the peace that they currently have and I completely understand and respect that.

But I will encourage everyone, to just give love another try. Because, if not for love, what reason do we have to live?

see you next week?

clydi <3